I cannot explain the emotions I have felt this weekend thinking about the 2009-2010 school year. God grew me and stretched me far beyond my belief and I am so thankful that I serve a God that is bigger, far bigger than any problem I had this year. Consider this my disclaimer, this blog post is super long AND super personal. I'm completely opening up here, so be prepared and don't say I didn't warn you.
I started my school year as excited as I could be...a brand new classroom, a brand new school, a brand new staff, and some new kids. Little did I know what I was in for...
I cannot explain to you the type of kids I had this year, but I will say that they were different from anything I've ever had. (Now...I know what you are thinking, Magan you've only been teaching for 3 years and you were at the same school the whole time) But really from my experiences in Lenior, Boone, Cabarrus County, and Apex...it was just different! I had a hard time relating to them at first and they to me, a lot of the year. This made getting to them very difficult. There were many discipline problems, a lot of attitudes, and A LOT of students acting in defense mode ALL of the TIME! For example, if I called on a student many of them would react with "WHAT DO YOU WANT?" instead of answering a question or telling you why they raised their hand. I guess I say all of this to say, the culture of many of the students I taught this year was different from my culture or any culture I've been a part of.
On top of having student issues, we had some issues within our school...mainly because we are a new school...only 3 years old and this was the first year in a new building with 3 grades. There were and still will be next year, a lot of kinks to work through.
Many days I just wanted to quit, thinking these kids don't care and this school is a mess! I often thought, they don't care about me about social studies or THEIR education. So many days I reacted to situations any human would...before I finally realized I couldn't fix the problems in front of me and that I was making myself miserable. Back in March we had lunch with the wonderful Jimmy & Beverly Carroll to discuss the future of Matt's job with Journey and honestly, for me, to seek some Godly wisdom on my situation. (At the time I was seriously considering leaving the teaching profession all together.) Jimmy said something that day that has stuck with me and the Lord really spoke to my heart about my attitude. He told me that I had to pray that the Lord would change my attitude if I was as miserable as I was until I could get out. Or I needed to pray that he will change my attitude and my heart all together if I felt like this is where he is calling me to be." At the time...I thought I was supposed to leave WMS and teaching and work in full time ministry in the field of ministry. I've felt called to ministry for a long time. I kept fighting the idea of staying where I was and really allowing my mission field to be WMS. As I prayed for a changed attitude, the Lord did more than change my attitude...he changed my heart. I realized in March that WMS needs me...well WMS doesn't need me, they need Jesus. I realized that he wants to use me in this difficult situation to be that "something different" among the students and among the staff at WMS. The day I allowed the Lord to change my heart and my attitude, I realized what I had been missing all year. So many blessings and opportunities were missed because I acted "in the flesh."
I am not going to act like the last 3 months were a breeze or that I allowed the Lord to work through me everyday. There were many days that I know I was stubborn and I did not surrender my day to him. There were days that certain students drove me nuts because I did not allow the Lord to take control. I am staying at Wendell next year, no matter how hard it is for me, I am looking forward to it and looking forward to allowing the Holy Spirit to put me aside and pour into the lives of those I come in contact with. I pray that this summer I will allow him to renew me and remind me of how much I need to surrender everyday.
At Journey we at studying Proverbs this summer. Last night Smooth, our student pastor, preached about fearing the Lord. This is something I know I've struggled with for a long time. I always thought, "I'm not scared of God, he's good to me...I know this isn't the right type of fear the bible is talking about, it can't be....but what does it mean?" I realized last night that as a Christian, fearing God is revering him. Revering him so much that you don't care about what anyone else thinks. Proverbs 1:7 says "Fear of the Lord is the foundation of true knowledge, but fools despise wisdom and discipline." This made me think about my year at Wendell and what God has in store for me next year. I want people to look at me and say, "wow something is different about her." I want them to look at me and see Jesus, not Magan. I want my students to see something different in their teacher, something they've never experienced before.
As I finish this ridiculously long blog post, I continue to reflect on this past school year. I pray and I can only hope that the students I let go of last Thursday saw a spark, a tiny something of something different in me. I hope that they saw that I loved them for who there are because I love Jesus. I hope they know from my social studies lessons, that they know I love all people no matter where the person is from or what background they have because of Jesus. I'll never know the impact I had on those students or any staff member I worked with this year, I don't expect to, but I pray they saw Jesus in me. I pray that if they don't know Jesus that He will continue to show himself to them and that they will one day come to a relationship with him.
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