End of a Journey, Beginning of a New One...Part 1: History Behind My Maternity Leave Book Camp

I promised I'd be back soon with Part 1 of my series of how God has changed my life this year.  I feel like I need to fill you all in a little secret. I've got a lot of strongholds that I've failed to give to God and because of that, I've become quite the miserable person over the past 4 years. I haven't really shared that with many people...except for Matt & a few close friends. I've done a good job at putting on a mask, so I didn't have to really open up to anyone and hear someone else tell me to give it to God. I knew that I needed too, I just wasn't allowing God to work...always making excuses.

You see coming out of my teaching career to be a stay at home mom over a year ago was out of my comfort zone. I loved teaching and I thought I'd be a career teacher...you know, 30 years and then retire. Having a baby was out of my comfort zone, even though we thought we were ready to start a family. When I got pregnant with Laney, I felt called to quit my teaching job to stay home with her. However...this wasn't God's plan. He had something else for me...a job at Journey Church. Starting a new job as an administrative assistant to a team of people team who helps people follow Jesus was out of my comfort zone. However, God did place a desire in me 6 years ago at Caswell to work full time ministry as an assistant...I thought I would be in youth ministry. Maybe it will happen one day, but not for now and that's why it's a little out of my comfort zone..because I never thought I'd be assisting people who help adults follow Jesus...and I was completely blindsided by this job being opened to me after having Laney. Having another baby was out of my comfort zone, we were certainly not planning to have another child so quickly.  All these things have a theme...they weren't MY plan. That's where we have a problem...

My teaching career made me become a person who didn't really know who she was anymore. My life was teaching & coaching with a little Jesus & Matt sprinkled in. I was a selfish person, very selfish...I was a bitter person, I was a negative person, I didn't like to be around people and I wasn't happy with me. I didn't appear that way on the outside though...like I said that earlier, I did a great job of putting on a face for people. None of those things were me before my teaching days though...I was a very bubbly person (just like the face I put on a lot of times), I loved being around people, I would have considered myself a pretty selfless person and I was content with me. My walk with Jesus was pretty solid too. My priorities really got messed up when I was teaching & so did my perspective on life. Matt & I did spend a lot of time together doing what we wanted to do, when we wanted to it...which is good because it was just he & I and I wouldn't change that part of our time without children.

I make my 4 years as a teacher sound so dreary, but I really drained myself of who God had called me to be during that time. Not all of that time was a waste, God taught me a lot about depending on him during that time and there's no way I would have gotten through it without him because I dealt with some pretty crazy situations during that time. But, I feel like masked myself so much and didn't deal with issues that a lot of things built up and in the past year...exploded because I didn't let them out.

So fast forward to today...well, the past 9 months. Once I got over the shock of being pregnant again and was excited about having Benjamin, God began to show me that I was missing out on a lot of things in my life because I had become such a bitter person, that wasn't happy with myself or a lot of things in my life. He began showing me back in August that there was a lot in me that I needed to let him redevelop & refine...like the leader I was during my high school and college days, the happy person I was 4 years ago, the person who believed in myself because I knew God had something special for me. So back in the spring... I began praying that he would open my eyes to these things that made me so miserable, so that I could give them over to him. I was sick of trying to do things on my own and I knew that I was not really giving these things over to God like I should.

I truly believe that the 1st part of this change for me began before I was aware. God blessed me with a job at Journey a year ago, this week actually...I get to assist 2 really awesome people, who help people follow Jesus and in reality...I'm helping people follow Jesus by assisting them. This is what I love to do, I did it at Caswell and it's a passion God developed in me. I have a lot of potential to grow in this job, but I have to allow the Lord to work in and through me. I'm finally in my element...using the gifts God gave me and I get to do it as a job. For the 1st time since my summers in college, I enjoy getting up and going to work. Sometimes I think about how blessed I am to be able to get paid to help people follow Jesus. (Little disclaimer here...I am not cut out to be a stay at home mom...I tried it for 4 months and it's not me, I truly believe I felt called to quit teaching because God was preparing me for what he had for me at Journey. I love my kids, but I thrive and am a better mom because I am out of the house.) 

God began stirring something within me back in August...I had no clue what, but I knew I needed to make some changes in my life and like I said let go of some things that were holding me back. With all of that being said, the people I work with encouraged me to really take my maternity leave for myself...to do whatever I wanted and to enjoy being a mom of 2, after all this is the only time ever that this would happen. So, I took that advice to heart. I committed the past 8 weeks to rest, read, snuggle with Benjamin and do whatever I wanted to do, I'm so thankful I did. I wrote a little about this back in October when I had Benjamin...

This post is getting a lot longer than I had planned, I guess I'm a girl of many words today ;) Literally! More to come...promise!